Body Image

I have struggled with negative thoughts surrounding my appearance since I was at least 12, if not younger. These thoughts were at their worst when I was around 15-17 which was when I started to develop a harmful relationship with food (I wrote more about this here on my friend, Anna’s blog).

For the last two years I’ve been happy and comfortable with myself. I live a relatively privileged life; I’m healthy, I have fun, I have a job and I exercise regularly. In the last few weeks, however, I’ve found myself obsessing over how I look - I have fat knees; I’m too bottom heavy; my cellulite is too noticeable; I have zero definition on my arms. It has been plaguing my mind so much that I’ve cried, thrown tantrums and have just been feeling consistently down. The ridiculous thing about this is that, two months ago, I thought I looked great. I was happy with my figure and just how my life was going generally. It’s important to note that, during this time, my body has not changed. I look the same! So, what has changed? How can I suddenly start hating something that I loved not that long ago?

Pressure.

My only answer for this sudden feeling of anxiety about the way I look is that I’m feeling the pressure to look leaner for summer. This is a widely known pressure. Everyone starts slimming down for the warmer months purely because they’ll have more skin on show. This makes sense to me right now, because I really do like the shape of my body – I have worked quite hard for it – but the thought of wearing a bikini is stressing me out to no end. Basically, I hold all my fat on the lower half of my body, so when I do start leaning out, I lose it all from above the waist. This isn’t the problem. The so-called problem, then, is that I have a lot of visible cellulite on my legs. But again, this is something that hasn’t bothered me for over a year. So, why now?

To be honest, I don’t have an answer. I want to go on a rant about diet culture, and how women in general are put under pressure to be smaller and take up less space. I also realise how utterly pointless it is to worry about your appearance if you’re healthy and happy (like I am) but I just cannot shake the feeling.

I understand that the quick fix is to drop the calories and up the cardio, which I have been doing, in order to feel better in the short term. However, I want to challenge my own views. I shouldn’t care so much about a little bit of fat, not enough muscle or whatever the next problem I’ll have with myself is.

The truth is, everyone’s bodies fluctuate - even the fittest of people go up and down in terms of leanness and even athleticism. I want to recondition myself to be happy with myself no matter what stage my body is at (or God help me when I want kids). I can’t keep comparing myself to other people, or especially my past self, which is my big one at the minute. Yes, I was leaner this time last year. I was also eating a vegan diet, didn’t work full-time and basically had nothing to worry about. The last five months have been a new challenge for me. I’ve been working full-time as a waitress while side hustling and deciding what I want to do as a career. Inevitably, the gym has taken a back seat and that’s fine.

Right now, I’m trying to push myself to fall back in love with the process of eating well, working out and changing my body. My short-term goals are to lean down a little bit in the next few weeks. But my long-term goal is to care less about how I look and worry about how I feel. Aesthetics aren’t everything.

Thanks for reading,

Ella X